The First Florida Interview - Trust Us
Us: Mr. President-elect, you have been elected for a week now. When are you going to build the wall?
President-elect: What wall?
Us: The wall to keep the "Mexican rapists" out.
President-elect: I never said anything about a wall. I never said Mexicans were rapists.
Us: You said it 3,000 times a day for the last year.
Us: And what about getting all the illegal immigrants out of the country?
President-elect: I never said anything about immigrants. I want to bring people together. Didn’t you hear my acceptance speech?
Us: The one where you gushed over "crooked Hillary?"
President-elect: Why do you call that great American public servant crooked? I never said she was crooked.
Us: We got 1,000 messages a day from your campaign using that exact phrase.
President-elect: I was misquoted. I never said that.
Us: These were emails.
President-elect: I was mis-emailed.
Us: You also said the president wasn’t born in this country.
President-elect: WRONG. I have nothing but respect for the great job he has done. Didn’t you see my visit with him on television?
Us: And you didn’t say a word about him being a Muslim.
President-elect: I never said he was anything but a good Irish Catholic boy who got too much sun. Listen, you media people are all liars.
Us: That’s another thing. When you thought you were losing you called the media liars.
President-elect: WRONG. I never called anybody liars.
Us: You just did 10 seconds ago.
President-elect: No I didn’t. You media people are all liars. Except for the liars at Fox News. They are nice to me.
Us: And I guess you deny making fun of the disabled?
President-elect: I never did that. I would never mock a handicapped person. That was made up by the lying media.
Us: When are you going to revoke Obamacare?
President-elect: I never said I would. I would never take insurance away from 20 million poor people. You media liars don’t understand when you want to win, you say one thing, but when you win, you have to be president of all the people. I learned that from Hillary’s Wall Street speeches.
Us: Do you still think the election was rigged?
President-elect: Only if I lost. I have great respect for our institutions. America is great. I just hope I don’t screw it up.
Us: With all due respect, you don’t sound like the same man who ran for office.
President-elect: Well, as a matter of fact, I’m not. I’m the guy who played him on "Saturday Night Live." I’ve been hired to fool you morons in the media. There’s nothing like steady work. Trust me.